How I Got Over My Baby Father

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Break ups are difficult, but when a relationship breaks down and a child is involved, it’s all the more devastating. Camila gives us the lowdown on how to survive

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There’s no doubt about it – break ups are difficult. But when a relationship breaks down and a child is involved, it’s all the more devastating, and getting over the father of your child can be a long and grey journey.

For a young mum, the reality of being a parent pretty much begins when that test says positive. But for the dad it must all seem like a long dream (or nightmare- yikes!). The baby is born and suddenly bam! Responsibility is at his doorstep.

It’s no wonder many young parents end up separated. With new responsibilities, anxiety and a new financial plan on the table, the idea of going back to your old single life quickly becomes very appealing. The only difference is that it isn’t as easy for a mother to just up and leave.

When the relationship fell apart with my child’s father and me it was a tough time to say the least. No matter what type of girl you are every girl has the vision in her head to have a ‘real’ family. So from the mixture of emotions of being hurt and disappointed, I gradually became the infamous ‘Crazy Baby Mum’. I’m not joking; I became a password hacker pro. From looking through his phone to looking under his bed and everything in between, I lost the plot.

“Don’t attempt to merge you and your child as one. Your child may need him – you do not.”

We were stuck in the ‘on-and-off’ cycle for months, which led to growing insecurities on my part. Let me set something straight for you ladies, the on-and off-zone is a lie. It may have worked in your childless days, but now you’re a parent and your children and you require stability! If you think you’re in control – you’re not.  If you think things are gonna get better, they’re not. Not whilst you allow the father of your child to enter your life when it’s convenient for him. You are either together or you are not.

If you are together he should be doing every job involved in being a responsible dad who contributes to the well-being of his child, including the well-being of the mother of his child. If you’re not, he should be doing every job involved in being a responsible dad who contributes to the wellbeing of his child, excluding the wellbeing of the mother of his child. Spot the difference? Don’t attempt to merge you and your child as one. Your child may need him – you do not.

If you want to be respected as a mother you start learning to respect yourself as a woman and as a new mother. Sending subliminal messages that they’re “being replaced by a ‘real man’” is not going to make things better. At the end of the day, relationships fail, but you should try your best to make sure your child has a chance to develop a healthy relationship with his or her dad.

“I wish I had realised sooner that I could do it all on my own.”

For me, there came a point where I recognised how much time I was wasting. Instead of wasting time being confused, I started being smart. I realised I was better off being alone and spending my time working on a strategy to lift myself and my son up than being in a toxic relationship going round in circles.

I started to spend time on myself. I started to look for ways to get into education, apply for jobs, go to the gym, get my driving license, leave my comfort zone and set goals regularly. A decision is not truly made if not accompanied by actions.

It’s easier to write, but in reality it took years. I wish I had realised sooner that I could do it all on my own. Now that I was happy with my new life, university was on track and I was looking after myself, looking after my son and busy being busy. It was time to slowly enter the long forgotten dating scene…

@MissCDias

Feature image of Camila Dias. 

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